Mar 27 2039: Cy Young Winner Scales Tells TMZ: I Can't Stand Boulder Move - by Ced on January 8th, 2019
Denver pitcher Armstrong Scales insinuated in an interview with TMZ today that league territorial rights may have been violated when the Missoula Polar Bears relocated to Boulder, Colorado.
"I've developed a brand new line on my forehead because of it," said the 34 year old 20 game winner about the dramatic altering of the landscape. "I don't know how this move is even considered, voted on or allowed by the folks at the league office. A joke. A mess. Somebody got paid, son. Back-to-back one-hundred win seasons tells you all that you need to know about Broncos baseball. I'm pretty sure that Denver will remain the favored franchise around here, you know what I'm saying? That other ballclub must want to leave behind years and years of losing, my man. They seem to piece together a lineup every season, I guess, so I do like how they compete. There are a lot of things happening, but I just can't figure this one out. Can you?"
Jun 10 2036: Cup Draw Draws Concerns - by Ced on June 11th, 2018
To Hawaii we go. Denver has defeated Legends team Edmond to advance in the Cup. But many have questioned how such a fortuitous opponent was awarded to Denver during the next round's draw that was televised and covered exclusively by Fox News, but mysteriously tape-delayed.
When Wailuki's match-up was made, none other than guest draw assistant Atlantic City owner Milo Metalbat announced "Fat Ladies 88. Denver Broncos" from in front of the bingo cage.
Conspiracy theorists point out that Atlantic City had road Cup opponents Santa Monica and Los Angeles this season, both of which are tremendous beach vacation locales.
"Wailuki when you can touch-y!? Please visit our recently opened Medicine Hat, Canada location where for a limited time, all amuse-bouche are BOGO. C'mon Broncos!," Metalbat announced in a tweet with a timestamp of well after midnight.
Mar 10 2030: There's The Rub - by Ced on December 14th, 2016
Carmelo Vasquez has been released, despite a spectacular defensive season where he committed just a single error in 141 games at shortstop. It was revealed that he exchanged his Gold Glove award with Atlantic City Broadwalkers owner Milo Metalbat for a three day stint of various services, food and beverages in a VIP area of a Reno, Nevada massage parlor. Despite his excellence on the field, Vazquez has lost his job due to the scandal.
"Carmelo was misguided, and when you throw around that type of cabbage in a big, little city like that, you stick out and bring attention to yourself, and there were the press to swoop in and magnify what most would say is a normal Tuesday evening for a major leaguer" said Ced, Denver owner. "I've considered Metalbat's description of the night, and value and respect everybody under his employ. The physiotherapists at his establishments have unsurpassed attention to detail and have rehabbed many, many Denver players."
"They've got somethin' for everyone at their buffet," added manager Denny Johns who was also at the press conference.
Though Vasquez broke no player's union rule, Ced explained the dismissal. "Carmelo used my platinum membership card that evening, but failed to get my last hole punch on my frequent visitor voucher. So, I'm still at one away from a complimentary dual-threat deep tissue thigh massage and that really is disappointing. Basically, it's a failure by Vasquez to follow instructions."
When reached for comment, a rambunctious Milo Metalbat gave no impression that a tenth hole punch is forthcoming when he said "You tell Ced that there are no, never ever any freebs at any of my joints! That guy can afford to re-roof the Reno place in 24 karat gold or silver or whatever they got out there in Colorado! But we do have a promo campaign going right now: Our ATMs have absolutely no service fee through the month of March!"
Mar 01 2027: Could Cunningham Become an Everyday Outfielder? - by Ced on April 15th, 2016
Matt Cunningham has agreed to join Denver after finding no other takers in free agency, and has successfully passed a medical which included him barely outrunning a surplus club courtesy vehicle traveling uphill while stuffed with six elephants.
The YouTube video has been viewed well over two million times, with all proceeds going to actor George Clooney's new humanitarian foundation titled "Don't Send Matt Cunningham Home from Third on a Fly Ball with No Outs".
"It's important that everyone knows, and is something dear to my heart as a lifelong Denver fan," said Academy Award winner Clooney.
Though posting team highs last year in batting average, slugging and OBP, Cunningham struggled to find regular at-bats throughout his career with the Bay City Lions. He of course lost his cool last season and threw a 5 gallon jug of energy drink at the youth group that was singing the national anthem too slowly for his taste apparently, but to his credit Cunningham showed his bouncebackability and went 2 for 3 with two doubles in an extra inning nail-biter win.
"I respect the manager's decisions, but you'd think with those numbers it would warrant more PT. The team was disappointed by our finish, but I contributed when called upon and kept hitting the gym all year. Best wishes to the Lions and stuff, but just looking forward to losing money on Texas Hold Em poker while on the bench at Denver now," shrugged the 34 year old.
"My teenage son thinks I could go 28 ding dongs 98 ribbies if given the chance, but God knows."
"He'll be DFA'd by mid-May and be working in construction," read one YouTube comment.
Aug 14 2025: Martinelli’s walk-off grand slam lifts Denver to 9-5 win - by Ced on December 31st, 2015
Brett Roberts was listening for the sound of the bat. The starting pitcher had struck out 10, but coughed up the lead in the 8th inning. He had a towel draped over his face and was sitting at the far end of the bench.
"Sac fly wins it, is what I was thinking. After I heard Marti make contact, the home fan's reaction was noisier than a sac fly, so I took the towel off just in time to see where the ball was and plus where the Louisville right fielder was. So I said to myself, you know, that ball actually has the distance to go over," said Roberts.
Clinging to a one-run lead Louisville's Armando Montoya (310 career saves) was trying for a two-inning save. When Denver had two on and no outs in the 8th, he worked around trouble and retired the next three in a row. In the 9th, the same situation occurred when once again Montoya had two baserunners aboard and no outs. After a lengthy mound visit, Louisville's manager decided to bring in 10 year vet Isiah Cannon from the bullpen. Denver tied the game, and then came Martinelli's walk-off grand slam.
"I just waited for a pitch that I could drive. I got a shaving cream pie thrown at me in the locker room. It feels great for the team to win. As the catcher, I saw how electric Roberts' stuff was tonight and am glad we got the victory," said Alan Martinelli.